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The Adventures of Bagman & Julio Script written by iCizzle and Ian Cranston

 

THE ADVENTURES OF BAGMAN & JULIO 

By

IAN CRANSTON

A VHS tape labeled Ethan Michaels February 1993.  A hand picks the tape up and inserts it into a VCR.  Pushes play and the tape begins.  FBI warning comes up.  Warner brothers logo comes up and batman returns plays.  The tape fuzzes over and clips of 1992-93 play. Bill Clinton advertisement for President.  Bad economy.  A time for change. David Letterman and Jay Leno are battling it out.  Michael Jordan retires.  Dan quail can't spell potato.    

INT. - KITCHEN TABLE – NIGHT 

Ethan a medium build nerdy male with thick rimmed glasses sits at the kitchen table as he listens to his parents, brother and girlfriend.  

JOHNNY

(OFF CAMERA)

Ethan, your living in a fantasy world. 

Your mother and I.  Well, we’re moving to

                                Arizona to fully die.  We have more friends

                                from church moving there. 

JOHNNY 

(OFF CAMERA)

Your 30 about to be 31.  It’s time you got your  own place.  Why can’t you be more like your  brother Erikk?  

ERIKK is a pretty boy white suburban pastor, right winged republican and has a family.

ERIKK

(OFF CAMERA)

It’s time you start listening to AM Radio.  Rush Limbaugh. Learn some good  old fashioned American values Ethan. 

ERIKK

(OFF CAMERA)

The wife, 3 kids, dog, 2 cats, fish tank of 217

                                fishes from around the world.   

Ethan's girlfriend is a Blonde ditsy like totally rad church girl. 

GIRLFRIEND

(OFF CAMERA)

As your girlfriend of 3 years I have to tell you this.  I need a man with passion for  work.  We’ve been dating for like 3 years now and  you keep telling me your gonna get a job. Why  can't you be sucessful like your brother Erikk?  I  can’t believe you anymore.  I’m breaking up with  you.  It’s over!

 

CUT TO

A logo with Barbara Walters most fascinating people of 1993 comes up.   

Barbara Walters and Bagman sit in a living room with a fireplace and bear rug.  Reference Jack Benny Eyes for this interview.  Black background with back lit subject.  Soft blur look over lens.      

BARBARA WALTERS

Are you the best superhero we have today?

BAGMAN

Am I the best superhero?  No, but 

I’ve studied the best at the public 

library.  In what is called books.  

Reference This amp goes to 11. 

BARBARA WALTERS

You site Jesus Christ as the first superhero with super powers.

BAGMAN

I know Jesus had superpowers it says so in the bible.  Not really sure what  chapter it’s in.  Buts its in there. (pauses) 

I think it's the book of job.

 

Pronounces job as work job. 

BARBARA WALTERS

Tell me about where you live.

BAGMAN

A nice little place in the suburbs.  It  has a bed, with sheets, a lamp,  venession blinds, 2 cats, a table. (Pauses) 

no 2 tables, 7 chairs, place mats. ETC

BARBARA WALTERS

Why are you telling me all of this?

Bagman looks to the sky.

BAGMAN

(PAUSES)

I don’t know. Ref Owen Wilson  

BARBARA WALTERS

So tell me what’s it like to have superpowers. 

BAGMAN

It’s like having a cranberry scone and 2% double latte on a                                 Sunday morning just before church.

Bagman takes a bite of his cranberry scone and sips on a double tall vanilla latte.

BARBARA WALTERS

There was a time when you didn’t have a superpower like the rest of us.  How has

it changed your life?

BAGMAN

Well, Barbara.  I found this bag one day  when walking home from a job interview.

Flashback of Ethan finding bag.

BAGMAN

Then I stared at it.  And then I  thought well maybe this bag has special  powers.

BAGMAN

Then all the sudden this bag was covering my head.  I was like, what is  this bag doing on my head?  (PAUSES)  What is this bag doing on my head? 

BAGMAN

Then I realized I Had put the bag on my head.  So the bag didn’t have special powers.

BAGMAN

But then I thought who knows maybe I could have some fun with it.

EXT – HOUSE - DAY

With a brown bag over his head Ethan runs outside of the house into a parked car.  Falls on his butt and passes out.  Ethan Looks around and takes the bag off his head.  A white cat run in front of him.  

CUT TO

The cat stops, looks, and meows at Ethan.  The two stair back at each other.  The white cat runs off.  Ethan looks looks as though he’s seen a ghost.  The cat runs to a shed door and jumps into the door and disappears.  Ethan creeps up and takes a look around the inside of the shed.  

INT. - SHED – DAY 

Bends down to see a mini door.  Opens the door and crawls through. 

He stops to look back.  Continues threw the hole.  He stops and looks around as though it was a noise.  Shakes his head as though it’s nothing.  

The tunnel opens up and sucks Ethan down the rabbit hole Ethan.  He disappears into the distance.      

ETHAN

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: Word Productions presents 

TITLE CARD: A Film by iCIZZLE 

TITLE CARD: THE ADVENTURES OF BAGMAN

TITLE CARD: Starring Ian Cranston as Bagman

TITLE CARD: Julio

TITLE CARD: Boxer man guy 

TITLE CARD: Rose Mary 

TITLE CARD: Johnny 

TITLE CARD: Ruth 

TITLE CARD: Rest of crew 

FADE OUT

FADE IN

TITLE CARD:  Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. A pen comes in and crosses out earth and replaces it with bag.  And the bag (Coughs) excuse me the bag (earth is crossed out again and replaced by bag) was without form.   

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: HISTORY OF THE BAG / CAPE

  

Ref Conan the Barbarian open of ohh hahh ohh hahh.  Music in background Pounding percussions build to an intense beat.  Announcer has a deep intense voice describing each scene.  Old book titled The Adventure of Bagman and Julio in the style of 2d Disney animation sits on a table.    

And so the story is told after a night of drinking and partying God and a virgin Goddess have sex in the heavens.  The condom breaks and the goddess becomes pregnant.  

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

And at this moment in creation God creates the bag.  

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

And so the heavens and the bag was created and the

                                bag was without form. 

Out of darkness the heavens are being created.  The earth is being formed through time lapses of evolution.  

Over the next 9 months the bag grows inside of the Goddesses belly.  Bag slowly forms.  

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

A bag is born..

A mother gives birth and the bag is crudely pasted over the top of actual birthing footage.  The heavens open and heavenly light is seen through clouds.

The bag is conceived and born unto the virgin Goddess.  God finds out that he has a son named bag.  After a preturnity test on the maury povich show.  God finds out he is the actual father of the bag.  God decides to put his college days behind him and become a responsible dad and take care of the bag.   

NARRATOR 

(V/O)

The years passed and the bag was given 

many offers to choose a side of good or evil.  

Ref Jesus being tempted by Satan But the bag was always taught right from wrong and good from evil.  Drawings of the bag from over the years.  Historical years from the beginning of time to medieval times to present.  

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

Until one day God decided the bag needed to grow up and face life.  

After a fight God sends the bag to earth in the garden of Eden to be with Adam and Eve.  We see a dubbed in bag covering Adam and Eve’s private parts.

  

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

And so over the years the human race is 

taught to believe it was Eve that ate from 

the tree of knowledge.  But no it was the bag.

Bag is eating from the tree of knowledge.  Devouring the apple and befriending the snake.

CUT TO

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

     And God cast'd out the bag from the heavens 

stating that the bag was forbidden to return 

and that the bag was to much of a dreamer.  

Unless the bag could prove to God it was still pure in spirit.  If not the bag would be cast  from the heavens to hell.  Never to return for   all of eternity!  

The heavens open from the sky and the bag is sent down to earth after receiving it’s punishment from God.  

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

The years passed and human kind grew in numbers.  The wars began and battles  where fought over the bag.  To control  it and use it until the bag was old and  grey.  

Reference Sword in the stone for drawing illustration style.  Wars being fought from the beginning of time to the civil war to WWII to Iraq.  Show earth time lapsing and buildings growing tall.  Skyscrapers being built in different cities.  The bag is dubbed over wars in history.   

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

As the years passed the bag was forgotten 

about.  It drifted from place to place.  

Owner to owner.  Giving superpowers to whom 

ever the bag felt deserved it. But none where  worthy enough of it’s full powers. For  the bag knew in the wrong hands it would  be meant for evil deeds.         

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

People who tried to use the bag fell prey 

to its overwhelming powers.  For the bag 

knew the heart of its wearer had to be true in spirit.

The bag floats from year to year from the beginning of time to present day 1993.  Many people attempt to use the bag and fail.  Not having the right mind set to control the powers each is given.  A factory is shown producing bags for its benefit.       

NARRATOR

 (V/O)

The bag faced a new challenge.  A 

saturated market of bags that where 

ordinary.  

A production line of bags is shown being packaged.  Glad garbage bags old commercials with white headed man.

NARRATOR

(V/O)

They look the same.  But they where not.  For the bag held something deep inside.   The bag was a dreamer.  

NARRATOR

(V/0)

Would the bag ever be able to return home and regain God’s respect?  Find  the one who passess the gift to use 

it in the right way and not for personal 

gain?

CUT TO

TITLE CARDHISTORY OF ETHAN  

EXT. CHURCH FELLOWSHIP HALL- MORNING

A nerdy kid with a mullet haircut and dark thick rimmed black glasses. This is Ethan.  He runs up to a snack table.  Grabs a handful of sugar cubes from a dish on the table.  Quickly grabs the cubes and puts them in his mouth.  An older lady interrupts Ethan as he shoves the cubes in his mouth.  

CHURCH LADY

You didn’t know? They’ll give you worms! 

Ethan continues to eat the sugar cubes and drinks a cup of coffee.  

ETHAN

No! They give you superpowers 

and super strength!

Ethan runs off and jumps up on a chair falling face forward in the floor.

CUT TO

Stands in a confident posse with hands on his hips.  

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Ethan was always a dreamer..

Boomerang or ball hits him from out of nowhere in the nuts.  Bent over falling on the ground holding his nuts in pain.  With a bit of coughing and red face.

-Flashback of Ethan childhood ambition of wanting to become a superhero with special powers.  Super man photos at childhood.  Lack of confidence in himself.  

Poking sticks in bee-hives.  Bees stinging Ethan as he dances around.  His friend sprays a water hose on him.

Running streets with something in hand - BIG - Bomb. Batman running down street.  Avoiding traffic and humans.  Darting through the suburban streets.  Show his morals and values.   

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Picked on as a kid by bullies, Parents, and Siblings. He Grew up wanting to watch batman with Jack Nicholson, Michael 

Keaton and Kim Bas-en-ger or however you 

pronounce it. His parents wouldn’t allow him to watch it due to all the Superhero under tones.   The devils workshop is what his parents  called Batman.  

PARENTS

No son of mine will go into becoming a superhero with powers!  I will kill  myself if you get superpowers! 

NARRATOR

(V/O)

You see Ethan had big dreams to grow up and become a superhero like batman and fight off the evil in this world.  He’d  always find a way to sneak out and watch  batman returns at the neighbors house  across the street.  

Ethan slowly puts a cut out batman mask on. 

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Ethan attended Sunday school, gospel kids, and mid-week bible study, and VBS in the summertime.  

Photos of Sunday school, gospel kids, mid-week bible study and VBS. Jesus in space.  

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Where his competition was his older brother Erikk. Always finding ways to bring more 

friends to VBS then Ethan.  Just to collect 

free eraser heads, pins, and of course get 

marked down on the temperture board for most friends brought.  For a grand prize of a Sega  Genesis with sonic the hedgehog game.   

Price is right game show of the Sega genesis on display.

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Always receiving beatings from his older sibling.  Mom and dad would spank Ethan  if he would watch or listen to anything  pertaining to superhero matters or too  much violence.  

A cassette tape of snoop doggy dogg’s doggy style is inserted into a yellow sports walk men.  Ethan presses the play button.  Gin and juice peeing plays. Ethan starts rapping to gin and juice.   

NARRATOR

(V/O)

One day Ethan’s Mom found out he’d beenlistening to Snoop Doggy Dogg.    

RUTH

Who gave you this? 

ETHAN

A friend.

RUTH

Well, I don’t want you listening to this devil worshiping music!!  It’s degrading  to women.  Beoucties and hoes.  

Shakes her head in discust. Ruth slaps Ethan over the back of his head.

RUTH

Besides this Snoop Doggy Dogg satanic music is just a one hit wonder anyways.  He won’t last  more then 3 months. 

INT. - LIVING ROOM – NIGHT 

Ruth looks at Johnny with authority.  Johnny gets up from living room chair and covers up the TV with his body.

NARRATOR

(V/O)

One night Ethan’s parents allowed him to watch Top Gun with Tom Cruse and Kelly Mcgislies.  His dad would stand in front  of the TV in an effort to block out the  sex scene deemed to controversial by his  Mom.  

Ethan’s dad cover up TV with his body.  Moving around and trying to cover up the sexually explicit tongue.  Take my breathe away plays in the background. 

NARRATOR 

(V/O)

At age 11, Ethan found out he was allergic to polyester.  Causing him serve rashes. 

 

CU of hand scratching neck. A rash breaks out on Ethan’s neck.     

ETHAN

Frickin polyester!

NARRATOR

(V/O)

More years went on and Ethan became a man.  His days of dreaming to fight  crime and leap tall buildings in a  single jump where starting to fade.

INT. - KITCHEN TABLE – NIGHT 

Time lapse of birthday cakes with candles being blown out.  Mom and dad sing happy birthday.  

 

NARRATOR

(V/O)

It was on Ethan’s 31st birthday that he realized what he had to do.  

Massive amounts of smoke bellows out from the candles on the cake.  The fire sprinklers turn on.  Ethan sits at the table alone with water dumping down on him.  Fire alarm goes off.  Fire department sireans are heard coming to the house.  

NARRATOR

(V/O)

You see, Ethan couldn’t settle for a normal everyday routine anymore that included 

working in the sporting goods department at 

Wal-mart, and failing his GED test 4 times 

in a row.

  

Ethan opens letter that reads: I'm sorry to inform you.  You have failed your GED test for a 4th time.

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Maybe it was the smell of 31 candles burning or the thought that this was an opportunity of a lifetime.  No  Girlfriend just uno men-o Ethan-o.  He  knew deep deep deep down inside that it  was truly now or never.  So Ethan did  what anyone would do in his situation.  

NARRATOR

(V/O)

   He quit his job, created the alter ego  Bagman and failed yet another GED test.   Number 5 people, number 5! 

INT - Bathroom

Ethan inserts a cassette of the batman soundtrack into a tape deck.    Presses play.  Ethan puts on a cape and helmet.  Examines his face.  He notices a white head pimple on his nose.  Pops it.    

CUT TO

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT

Rustling Noses are heard from outside the bathroom.  Ruth sneaks up to the door and listens.  Similar to a mom walking in on her son masturbating.  Ruth busts in the bathroom door open.  Extreme uncomfort when Ruth discovers what Ethan is up to.   

INT. - BATHROOM - NIGHT

RUTH

(UPSET)

How could you?  

Ethan covers his face with his hands. Ruth looks down at Ethan with discust.  

RUTH

You are grounded Ethan!  From Television, the  telephone and Internet!!               

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: 2 Years Earlier..1991

EXT - SIDEWALK - DAY 

A half human half cat meows for help as it's stuck in a tree.  A passer by-er runs up in a frantic state.  

PASSERBYER

OH MY GOD!! IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN HELP 

THIS HALF HUMAN HALF DOG FREAK OF A THING??   ANYONE?? SOMEONE!! 

CUT TO

INT. - LIVING ROOM – EVENING

The game cartage for Batman Returns is inserted into a Sega Genesis.  A TV screen shows batman returns game of bat signal.  Music plays Duna Duna Duna Duna Bagman.  Ethan plays the Sega genesis.     

EXT. - SKY BAG SYMBAL – EVENING

CUT TO 

INT. - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Ethan gets up and runs to the window.  He sees the  bagman symbol through the window shades.  He runs to his secret lair in the back yard.      

EXT - SECRET LAIR - EVENING

Everything is labeled.  Ethan grabs his helmet and puts it on.  He puts on a bag and grabs a short ladder.  

EXT - STREET - EVENING

Running with the short ladder down the street bagman is ready to fight some crime.  

EXT - TREE - EVENING

The human cat is meowing at a frantic rate.

BAGMAN

I’m here to help! 

PASSERBYER

Help the half human transsexual 

cat thing Bagman!!  

Bagman sets up the ladder.  He finds out its to short to reach the cat.  Now in more of a panic state the cat meows uncontrollably.  Bagman pulls out his grappling gun shoots the gun at the tree.  The hook catches a branch.  Bagman tugs the rope and jumps on the rope.  The branch brakes and sends Bagman to his butt.

CUT TO

INT - RUTHS CAR - EVENING

Ruth drives by to discover Ethan trying to the cat.  She slams on the brakes, gets out, grabs Ethan by the ear, and pulls him to the car. They speed off together.  

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: The next morning…

EXT. ETHANS HOUSE BACKYARD - MORNING

Suburban neighborhood in the morning.  A few cars pass, dog bark,  and birds chirp.  Ethan stretches and lifts weights in the backyard with his home Gym.  Ethan is wearing an Adidas jump suit, headband, thick rimmed black glasses.  Getting extremely sweaty.  Ethan Listens to Hammer 2 legit to quit.

  

Flashback of parents yelling at Ethan.  

JOHNNY

(UPSET) 

We give you one simple task of finding a new place to live!  And you have to go  and try to save a half human half cat in 

a tree!!  This is it Ethan!! find a place to  live!!  NOW!!

CUT TO

Uses a hand gripper.  

ETHAN

(V/O)

My parents gave me 3 goals for the next six months.     

TITLE CARD:

ETHANS 6 MONTH GOALS

1. I must Get a job

INT - KITCHEN - DAY

-Flashbacks of Ethan as he looks for a job.  Tears numbers off bulletin boards and putting them in his pocket.  Drinks coffee that is to hot.  Burns tongue on hot coffee.                

A rotary phone rings seven times.  A toilet flushes and the bathroom door slams shut.  Ethan comes leaping into the living room and answers the phone.  Knocks over a vase with flowers.       

ETHAN

(V/O)

Hello! this is Ethan!

Ethan talks on the Telephone as the psycho theme plays in the background.   

ETHAN

(V/O)

Uhh, applying for front cashier.  

CUT TO 

TITLE CARD:

GET A GED  

ETHAN

(V/O)

Number 2. Attend a weekly GED study group.

TITLE CARD:

NO CRIME FIGHTING 

ETHAN

(V/O)

Number 3. Do not under any circumstances fight crime and super villains.  

-Flashback- Toys are setup outside on a fence.  One of the toys has a gun pointing at the other.  With a brown bag over his head, Ethan comes leaping in to save the toy.  He misses and Runs into wall knocking himself out.      

CUT TO

Ethan looks up to the sky and takes a deep breath. With a look of distort on his face.    

 

ETHAN

(V/O)

If I don’t achieve any of theses goals in the next six months.  (Pauses) My parents 

will put me on the streets.    

  

Ethan puts a pair of AA batteries into an AB shocking device.  The device starts shocking him repeatedly.  The half cat half human cen-tar comes running across the screen into the house wall and knocks itself out.       

 

CUT TO

INT. - KITCHEN – DAY 

TITLE CARD:  3 Years earlier…1990.

Quick Clips of pop culture from 1990.

TITLE CARD: HOW BAGMAN MET JULIO

Upbeat music heroic ref lone ranger. A mask, cape, keys and helmit sit on the kitchen table.  Ethan grabs the mask on the table and puts it on.    

BAGMAN 

(V/O)

I was getting ready to fight the criminal 

evil diabolical master mind…Boxer man Guy.

Hits his funny bone on the trim of the door.  Grabs his arm in pain.  

EXT. - HOUSE – DAY 

Bagman rushes out the door as it closes shut behind him.

BAGMAN

(V/O)

And that’s when I remembered I left my keys in the house on the table and the door just locked itself behind me.

INT. - KITCHEN TABLE - DAY

Keys on the kitchen table.  

EXT. - HOUSE – DAY

 

Bagman attempts to slip through the house window that's to small for him.  

BAGMAN

(V/O)

Luckily for me I didn’t eat a large breakfast.  

INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Bagman struggles and wrestles to get inside the house through the window.  

BAGMAN 

(V/O)

I was in and needed to find the keys, get my bike and battle the evil boxer man guy!!

BAGMAN 

(V/O)

My first thoughts where there must be a super villain in the house.  I crawled along the floor  like a snake in the grass.  (pauses) slizzering. 

Bagman crawls along the floor.  Looks like a snake in the grass slizzering.

BAGMAN

(V/O)

Then I looked up and saw this stuffed pig.

A medium sized stuffed animal pig named Julio.  Julio has a name tag on his right side.

JULIO

I’m Julio will you help me get my wings so I can fly.(it’s a wonderful life ref)

TITLE CARD:

THE HISTORY OF JULIO

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Julio is a stuffed pig made out of fabric and sewn from a simplify pattern and stuffed with cotton.  

Sequences of Ruth cutting out patterns and sewing together the pig.  Using a needle to sew its eyes in.  A hand stuffs the back end of the pig with cotton. Sews it up.  

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Julio’s hobbies include collecting white 

case VHS Disney 2d animated movies from the late 1930's to early 1990's.  Dumbo seems to be his  favorite.

  

Clips from Dumbo flying. 

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Watching birds from the living room window.  

                                Many times Julio too tried to fly.  

CUT TO

EXT - HOUSE WINDOW - DAY

Julio jumps into the window not realizing its shut.

NARRATOR 

(V/O)

But all those times he failed.  He  never gave up and continued to push  forward.  

Sequences of Julio getting catapulted over the house. 

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Knowing that someday in his life he might fly like an eagle.  

Photos of the red Barron and chuck Yagor.

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Julio always was a dreamer and never let anyone’s opinion affect him and his dreams.  

CUT TO

ERIKK

A pig flying in the sky.  HAHAHAHA that will never happen!!

NARRATOR

(V/O)

In order for Julio to get his wings he must assist a super hero in a super villain take down.  

EXT. - ROAD - SUNSET

Read in a spoken word style. Reference gin and juice inspirational version. 

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Oh well I’m on my way.  I don’t know  where I’m going but I’m on my way.   Taking my time..It’s me and Julio down  by the schoolyard.   

Me & Julio down by the school yard begins to play.  Julio walks away in the sunset and disappears in the sunset.    

CUT TO

INT - ETHAN’S HOUSE - DAY

The front door unlocks and cracks opens slowly. 

BAGMAN

(V/O)

That’s when it happened.  We both heard  the door open.  I grabbed Julio and  began to ascend upstairs.

Bagman and Julio run upstairs to the 2nd floor bedroom. They jump over the bed and place the mattress in front of them as a shield.  

Bagman and Julio carefully peek up with their eyes.  All in unison back and forth.  They duck back down slowly.

BAGMAN

(V/O) 

My only hope was that rope under the bed.

Bagman looks for rope under bed in a frantic state.  He finds and grabs rope, ties it to the bed post.

Bagman jumps out window with Julio in hand.

BAGMAN

(V/O) 

That’s when I remembered (pauses) 

I hated heights!

Bagman struggles while hanging on to the gutters.  The gutter becomes weak and slowly cracks. Bagman pulls the gutter down with him. REF Christmas vacation.   

 

BAGMAN & JULIO

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH (heard from a distance left to right)

Off screen onto screen.  Bagman and Julio slam into the house wall.  Fall to the ground and lose conciseness.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

INT. CHRISTIAN MUSIC VIDEO SET FROM THE 1980’s - NIGHT 

TITLE CARD: HISTORY OF ETHANS PARENTS

Johnny always wears White polo, White Pants, Dark Glasses, Thin Musts ache and Ruth slim woman with a perm, big rimmed glasses and always wears a white jumpsuit.  

Johnny and Ruth are singing “Jesus loves me” for a music video they made from the 1980’s.

 

NARRARATOR

(V/O) 

Ruth was a wild child of the 60’s.  She 

met Johnny on the crusaders for Christ 

cruse for single Christians born again

virgins.  Or CCCSCBA  

Photo of Johnny and Ruth on vinyl cover.

JOHNNY

Jesus loves me this I know.  For the  bible tells me so.  

Extend Jesus loves me out.  Play song out to point of when it becomes biazzare funny.   

 

A picture of Johnny and Ruth on their wedding day. Ric being thrown.  REF Buffalo ‘66 for dad singing.  In a colored background singing.  

 

NARRATOR

  (V/O)

Later it was found that Johnny had been evading the IRS.  

Johnny being taken in handcuffs to police car on a television news broadcast.

JOHNNY

I’m Innocent!!  I’m Innocent!!  

NARRATOR

Johnny was found guilty of embezzling 15 million

                                of the $20 million dollars they made on Johnny &

                                Ruth perform oral on the church of Christ. Experience

                                it in person.  Due to a misprint the double LP went

                                on to sell an astonishing 20 million copies. Passing

                                Michael Jackson’s Thriller and the Beatles for best

                                selling record of all time!!

Show clips of Johnny and Ruth touring the world in the 1980’s. meets Amy Grant, DC talk, and Michael W. Smith.

    

NARRATOR

(V/O)

All there money was taken and they where left nothing.  Johnny was able to get a  job as a pastor at a small church on an  isolated island in the pacific northwest. 

CUT TO  

INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

CBC news report on Internet in 1993.  A hand turns on a dial TV with knobs.  Magyver comes on.  The reception gets fuzzy.  Ethan moves the rabbit ears around with no luck.  He walks out of the room for a moment.  He returns with foil in his hand.  He wraps the foil around the rabbit ears and adjust the picture on the TV. 

Ethan sits down at a computer and connects to the internet.  The computer has Windows 3.1 installed on it and netscape navigator for surfing the web.  Connecting dial up sounds are heard as Ethan waits and waits for the internet.  He finally connects.  Types in how to create your own superhero costume.    

   

TITLE CARD: ETHAN MEETS ROSE MARY

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

NARRARATOR

(V/O)

Ethan tunes up his bright neon orange 

huffy 18 speed bike in the backyard.  

NARRARATOR

(V/O)

Looking at his digital Casio watch Ethan 

realizes he’s about to become late job 

interview.  

ETHAN

(V/O)

I was about to become late for my interview with

                                big K-Mart.

 

Ethan gets on his bike and rides to the job interview. 

CUT TO

INT. CAR VOLVO - DAY

Albiline Rose plays.  A petite cute Brazilian woman drives her Volvo in a hurry.  

TITLE CARD: History of Rose Mary 

NARRARATOR

(V/O)

A childhood filled with longing to 

be cat woman.

Singing songs with her hair brush in the mirror hoping to become a great singer or super herone like Whitney Houston. I wanna dance with somebody. 

CUT TO

Ethan rides by the stop sign as Rose Mary slams on her brakes to avoid hitting him.  Ethan’s bike slams into the side of Rose Mary’s car and flips the bike over.  

ETHAN

AHHHHH!!!!

Sending him across the hood and to the other side of the car. Reference Waynes World. Rose Mary gets out of car in a frantic state.  

ROSE MARY 

(WORRIED)

Are you ok?

Ethan dazed but then looks up at Rose Mary.  A silouate of rose mary is seen as see looks down at him.  Dream weaver and stars begins to play in background. Reference Waynes World Stars with dream weaver.  Background music: Oh dream weaver I believe you can get me through the night.    

ETHAN

Umm, Yeah.  It was nothing.

Ethan has a big red bump on his fore head. The back wheel of the bike spins and creeks as it keeps rotating.     

      

ROSE MARY

Well at least let me give you my info.  

Rose Mary writes her info on a piece of paper and hands it to Ethan.

ROSE MARY

Here is my contact info.

The wheel falls off the bike and onto the ground.  It makes a big clunking sound as it hit’s the pavement.

ETHAN

No It’s fine.  I’m fine.  It’s really  nothing.

A car passes and runs over the already mangled bike turning it into a wad of junk.  Ethan takes piece of paper and picks up what’s left of his bike.  Walks it over to the dumpster.  Tosses the bike just left of dumpster.  Now with a look of embarrassment on his face. 

ETHAN

I hear that recycling today is far more advanced then it was in the 1980’s. 

As Ethan gets up he drops the note.  He bends over and his jeans rip in the butt.

  

Ethan looks at Rose Mary and runs away to the interview.  Rose Mary 

watches as Ethan runs to job interview. 

ROSE MARY

(Waving)

Goodbye! 

CUT TO

EXT - STREET - DAY

-Music video montage begins- 

Build up reference 500 days of summer.

ECU of Ethan’s eyes pull back to reveal he is dressed in a white heart suit with Mickey mouse sized hands.  Ethan begins singing Kenny Loggins I believe in love. 

Julio appears in dream sequence.  Colors are of bright reds and whites.  Subliminal messages in frames reading sex, love and rose mary.  Hanging animals on strings drop down into scene.  Disney grand style sequence of stuffed animals.  lots of stuffed animals and chirping animated birds sing to the chorus.  

CEN-TAR

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! (Slap)

Cen-tar angel dog human head runs into a house wall.  Passes out on back and sighs.

EXT - K-MART - DAY

Reference Lost in America interview with Albert Brooks.  4 non blondes what’s up plays on the intercom radio.  

INT. - MANAGERS OFFICE - DAY

Ethan looks Kmart manager in the face.  Kmart Manager mid-thirties fat with glasses and a mustache. Curly hair    

  

KMART MANAGER

We can offer a position in sporting goods.  It’s a minimum wage position.   You’ll be in charge of guns and ammo.

Kmart manager looks at Ethan’s resume to discover he’s only got three months of experience.  The rest of his life he’s been unemployed.  A look of shock runs over the managers face.  

Intercom stops song.  

INTERCOM

(Background)

Assistant manager bob to sporting goods for a gun carry out.

KMART MANAGER 

I’m sorry that position has already been filled.  We do have an over night  position stocking toys and other super  hero related merchandise.

Looks down at Ethan’s resume one more time.  Discovers Ethan cannot fight crime as a superhero.  A look of shock runs over the managers face again.

KMART MANAGER 

You know Ethan.  We might have something  open for you in a few months.

With a look of disappointment on his face Ethan just stairs at the KMART MANAGER.  

KMART MANAGER

We’ll call you if something comes up.

ETHAN

You don’t have anything in another department?

KMART MANAGER 

I’m sorry but no.

A pause goes over Ethan’s face.  Then a look of dreaming and excitement cover his eyes.  Music builds up and then drops. 

ETHAN 

Have you seen Batman Returns?  

KMART MANAGER

(Kind of annoyed) 

No.  

Ethan pauses and then proceeds to grin. 

ETHAN

It’s a film with a message.  You know  the message that if you aren’t hot IE  like the penguin then society and  batman will make sure you never become a  part of it.  Just ask the penguin.  

Show the final scene of the penguin’s bloody mouth.  The rest of the penguins push him out to the water to float away.  Intense classical Danny Elfman music plays in the background.  Clips of people crying from various films.  Everywhere from sobbing to red eyes and psycho.   

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: THE PARTY

EXT. ETHANS HOUSE - DAY

Birds chirp, dogs bark and a car passes by the front of Ethan’s parents house.   

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Ethan and Julio are seated at the kitchen table.  Ethan puts in Friends by Michael W Smith on cassette.  A cupcake with 3 candles lit is burning.  The two star at the cupcake as the candles burn.   

NARRATOR 

(V/O)

Now on his 3rd year and 3rd day of not  fighting crime in what feels like  forever!  Ethan’s friend Julio throws  him a 3 year and 3 day sober party from  crime fighting. 

Ethan blowing out 3 candles on his cupcakes.  The candles don’t blow out.  They keep re-lighting.  He continues to try and blow them out.  They relight again.  Ethan successfully fails to blow out candles.  

Julio sits at the table with Ethan celebrating.  

JULIO

Hey Boss, I got you something for your 3 years and 3 days.      

EXT. - HOUSE - DAY

Ethan and Julio are outside looking at a radio flyer electric bike.

ETHAN

(Upset)

You didn’t? 

Ethan gets on bike.

ETHAN

(Happy)

You did!

Ethan and Julio both start sing along with the song.

ETHAN/JULIO

And friends are friends forever if the lords the lord of them.  And a friend  will not say never cause the welcome  never ends.

The two continue to sing as they play sonic the hedgehog 

CUT TO

EXT. GED CLASS - EVENING

INT. MEETING HALL - EVENING 

Four people in a circle talking.  A GROUP LEADER, Ethan, and Rose Mary and a few others.  

GROUP LEADER

Welcome to the GED class for people who have problems passing their GED tests.  

GROUP LEADER

Let’s go around the circle and introduce ourselves.  How many times you’ve failed  your GED test.

Rose Mary stands up and looks at group. 

ROSE MARY

My name is Rose Mary and I’ve failed my GED test twice.

Rose Mary sits back down in her seat.

GROUP 

Hi my name is Rose Mary and I’ve failed my GED test twice in a row.

 

GROUP LEADER

Tell us about a fear you have with education. 

ROSE MARY

I get nervous and can’t think.  My mind  freezes up on me.

Group leader points to Ethan.

ETHAN

My name is Ethan and I’ve failed the GED test 5 times now.

GROUP

Hi Ethan. Failed your GED test 5 times.

GROUP LEADER

Ethan I understand you are on a job quest as well?

Ethan stands up and nods his head yes.

ETHAN

I’ve been doing job quests in food demonstrator at Costco. Something  about Gillette and skinimate lag 

shaving demos on a Saturday morning at Costco.   I read somewhere History is written by  the victor.  Seems like a good quote 

to live life by.    

Time passes and the meeting ends.  Ethan walks over to the table for a cookie.  Standing at the table Ethan grabs a cookie and begins to nibble on it.  Rose Mary walks up to the snack table and grabs a cookie as well.  The Two begin to nibble their cookies in sync with each other.  Rose Mary looks at Ethan.    

ROSE MARY

                                Hey, Ethan RIght? How's The Bump?

                                                ETHAN

Hey, Rose Mary right?  It’s still there.

ROSE MARY

I hope your bike didn’t cost to much.

ETHAN

Nah, It’s better for me to take brisk walks anyways.  Doctors have done  research on it and its said that it  lowers your blood pressure.  I read it  in Time Magazine last week.

Flashback of Ethan reading time magazine with Bill Clinton on the cover.  Devil horns Bill Clinton.  

ROSE MARY

Well, maybe sometime I can make it up to you.  Do you still have my number?

ROSE MARY

You should give me a call sometime.  Hey  Have you seen the trailer for that new  dinosaur movie Jurassic Park.  

ETHAN

No But I read a review in the Los Angles Times that it was going to bomb at the box office.

A compilation of roaring dinosaurs fast cuts from Jurassic Park.   

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: The next day

 

bread being taken out of bag and put into a toaster.  Hip hop edit of sequence.  

Similar to swingers.  Ethan is in the kitchen attempting to make a phone call to Rose Mary.  Breathing problems gets out a paper lunch sack and breaths into it.  Coughing and Sneezing. Ethan dials Rose Mary's number then hangs up.  Paces back and forth then makes the call.  The call goes to an answering machine. 

ROSE MARY

(PHONE) 

Hello, You’ve reached Rose Mary’s answering machine.  Leave me a message with your name  and number.  If you don’t I won’t. 

Ethan breathing into phone.

ETHAN
(awkward)

Hi Rose Mary.  It’s Ethan.  How about  that GED meeting last night huh?   Haven’t felt that good after talking in  a while.  

Power flicks and phone clicks off.  Busy signal is heard on other end of phone.  Ethan looks to be in shock and dials her number again.  The phone rings and Rose Mary’s message plays.  Beep.

ETHAN  

I’m sorry if that last message came off as desperate.  I mean, I just got dumped 

by my girlfriend for not having any goals or a good job or a GED.

The house front door opens and Ruth walks in.  

RUTH

(off camera)

Who are you talking to Ethan?

Ethan’s face turns pale white.  

ETHAN

Nobody!

Slams down telephone and walks out of kitchen.  A few moments pass.  Ethan is slowly walks back into the kitchen.  He looks at the phone from a distance.  Staring it down as the phone stairs down Ethan.  Similar to a western showdown.  The good, the bad, and the ugly song plays in the background.  Ethan grabs the telephone and dials Rose Mary’s number again. Goes to the message and then beeps. 

ETHAN

Look I don’t want you to think I’m some crazy guy who wants you strictly for your body.  That’s not the case at all.

It’s just I still live with my parents and..    

The smoke detector in the house is set off.  Toaster begins to smoke.  Burnt toast pops up.  The loud beeping makes it impossible for Ethan to finish his message.  So he has no choice but to hang up the phone.  Ethan then grabs a broom and bats the smoke detector off the wall.  Ethan begins taking swings at the smoke detector with a broom.  He gets it on the and beats it until it dies.  

Ethan picks up the phone and dials Rose Mary.  This time she picks up.  

ROSE MARY

(Phone)

This is Rose Mary.

ETHAN

(AWKWARD)

Rose Mary Hi. It’s Ethan.  I’ve been  trying to get a hold of you.

ROSE MARY

(Phone)

I know.  I heard the messages.

Dead silence as Ethan gulps.  

ROSE MARY

(Phone)

Ethan if your trying to ask me out on a date just say so.  

Ethan has a look of relief on his face.

ETHAN

Yes. That’s what I was trying to ask you.  How about the beach tonight around  7:30?

Ethan hears no response.  

ROSE MARY

(Phone)

(PAUSES)

Ok. Did you need a ride?

ETHAN 

It’s ok, I’ve got it covered.

The cen-tar human half dog runs across the screen and runs into a wall knocking itself out.    

FADE OUT

FADE IN 

TITLE CARD: COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

TV ANNOUNCER 

DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS OF DEPRESSION CAUSE YOU CAN’T DEFEAT THAT SUPER VILLAIN?   DOES IT DEPRESS YOU WHEN YOU CAN’T GET  THAT DAMSEL IN DISTRESS DUE TO LACK OF  CONFIDENCE?  WELL, WE HAVE A FIX FOR  YOU!!

Approved by some steroid using super hero. Similar to Sham-wow commercials. Highlights of muscles.  Rounding circle demonstration of crocodile being tossed in yard.  

NARRATOR 

SUPER PILL TO BECOME A SUPERHERO AND GET THAT DAMSEL IN                                     DISTRESS. AND DEFEAT THAT SUPER VILLAIN.

Bad Idea superhero products.  Before and after. Common house hold item. Make a infomercial on a household item. Fresh prince open parody. Extra fingers or body parts. Products is what your selling.      

NARRATOR

SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE: DIARRHEA AND SUICIDE. 

FUZZ CUT

Special effects around body or product. Simple.  All one shot of Ethan at dinner table eating wheaties with Michael Jordan on the box.

NARRATOR

(OFF SCREEN)

HEY!

ETHAN

Yea..(looks at camera) 

NARRATOR

Do you have dreams of being super human?   But need a super power?

ETHAN
YEA!

NARRATOR 

Super hero steroids.

Butts getting a needle put in them

NARRATOR

Just bend over and take a needle in the right butt cheek.  It’s guaranteed your  be the biggest baddest superhero  defeating super villains.   

GFX card at end of commercial.

NARRATOR

Now in mint flavor!

FUZZ CUT 

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Super villain insurance. For 55 and over!!  

SUPERVILLAIN #1

I was skeptical about super villain insurance.  But then I broke my leg in a  battle.

Show re-enactment of super villain #1 getting leg broken.  Medics come and get SV#1 on a stretcher.  Hall him off in an ambulance to the hospital.    

SUPERVILLIAN #2

Let me tell you about the customer service they offer.  Would any insurance  company have an agent come to your house  and serve you krusty’s pancakes with  real maple syrup on a Sunday morning.   Not that imitation syrup crap that costs  $4 I’m talking the high quality $20 a  bottle.

Testimonials with black background.  Stories.  Fade in and out.  With black and white background.  Actual demonstration. White wigs.    

NARRATOR

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

An old lady super villain fall down the stairs and calls out.

LADY SUPERVILLAIN

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

FUZZ CUT

INT - NEWS DESK - NIGHT

Graphics of news logos and breaking news.

ANCHOR 

    A super villain only known as boxer man  guy has been causing a ruckus among the  people in the city.

News anchor sits at desk reporting news.  

ANCHOR

We have a reporter live on the scene.   Bob give us the details of the Super  villain.  

Windy and rainy outside of a suburban street.  The news reporter BOB average news man.  He tries to balance himself amongst the weather.  

 

BOB

Yes here are some reports.  We don’t  know how much destruction has been done.   But we do know that there is a possibly  of destruction to come.  Now don’t know  if any demands have been made.  But we  do know that super villains do make  demands.  And all we really know is  boxer man guy want to fight Bagman in  the final showdown.

FUZZ CUT

TITLE CARD: The History of Boxer man guy

BMG Standing in artsy pose.  Evil super villain Music begins - 1930’s theme.  Black and White. Dramatic.   

 

Stock footage of a box being created, a human baby being born and elephants having sex.  Rhino’s having babies like in ace venture 2 when nature calls.  

Boxer man guy watching mike Tyson fights from the 1990’s.  Mike Tyson punching out his victims one after the next.  

NARRATOR

(V/O)

when Boxer man guy was 11 he found some cardboard boxes,

                                and was fascinated by the construction of them.  

  

NARRATOR

(V/O)

He was later involved in a freak accident involving boxes,                                 saran wrap, tin foil, and duct tape.

One late afternoon Boxer man guy was walking home from school.  He spotted a human cat in a tree. Restless was the little half human half cat in the tree.  

BOXERMAN GUY

I must help him!

Boxer man guy shows up to the tree a few moments to late.  Bagman had attempted to save this human cat minutes earlier.  But Bagman was taken off by Ruth.  So the opportunity arose to help!  Boxer man guy tears his sleeves off and creates a mask for his eyes.  His eyes are intense on the human cat.  Staring him down like a cougar just before it pounces on its victim.  Sucking the last drop of blood out.     

Boxer man guy runs towards the tree and jumps on the stool.  He tries to balance himself from falling off the ladder.  He wrestles with gravity for a few minutes.  Waving his arms around and trying not to fall.  he looks similar to Bambi on ice trying to stand up.  Each leg collapsing in front of him.  Falling into the pit of despair.  

NARRATOR

Landing on his face into a pile of boxes. But not just any

                                kind of boxes. No the kind you wait for when you want to

                                pack up your entire 7 bedroom house, 3 car garage, and sell

                                the house.  Move into a small studio apartment. Meet a girl                                 by the name of albine rose.  Marry that girl and make her

                                your soul. Move to costa rica and call it a life.        

 

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Boxer man guy blames Bagman for the accident. 

The kind of box that leaves permanent marks on your pretty boy face.  Scars now cover BMG’s face.  

In tears on the ground.  He looks into a rain puddle and begins to cry tears.  As this begins a slow number of rain drops begin to fall in the puddle.  

  

CUT TO

BMG stairs intensely at the camera as rain drops on his face.  He begins to walk home with a tense feel about him.  When he arrives home he trips over a box.  As BMG gets up slowly he stops.  

BOXERMAN GUY

I’ve got an idea!  

Boxer man guy creates Hose man guy.  Patching together the hose with duct tape.

BOXERMAN GUY

Blah hah (Slow pause). Hahah.  Hahaha.

BMG continues to laugh as though he is a mad sciencest that has just created a beast.  Ref Young Frankenstein.     

BOXERMAN GUY

It’s alive!  It’s a-live!!

The hose rises up from the operating table.  Lightning strikes.

NARRATOR

(V/O)

At one time boxer man guy plotted to take over the universe.  

Cut to

EXT - SPACE DARKNESS

Boxer man guy and in a hose man guy rocket ship orbiting around in space.

NARRATOR

(V/O)

Only problem was they forgot to bring extra fuel. 

The spaceship floats into the darkness of the universe.    

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: ROSE MARY AND ETHAN HAVE A DATE

Down into a forest that leads to the ocean.  Picnic basket style.   Shai playing if I ever fall in love in the background.  As they talk on the Beach.  Their sitting on a table clothe with a picnic basket.  

ETHAN

This is a great song. Huh?

ROSE MARY

It’s OK I guess.

Rose mary doesn’t seem to care about the song.

ETHAN
I’m Bag..you know Rose Mary.  There’s not a lot of things

                                that make sense in this crazy nuts world we live in.

Ethan Can’t figure out way to tell rose Mary he’s bagman.  Rose Mary grabs burgers and unwraps one.  Hands it to over to Ethan.  The two eat chicken Swiss burgers.     

ROSE MARY

For example.

Rose Mary takes a bite out of her chicken burger from Buckeys.  Ethan dips his fries into tartar sauce and takes a bite of his fries.   

ETHAN

I baked you a Betty Crocker chocolate cake with chocolate                                    frosting. 

Ethan pulls out a glass pan with a cake from the lunch basket.  Cuts out a piece and hands it to Rose Mary.  The two eat cake together.

ETHAN

OK.  For example.  The other day I was interviewing for a

                                job at Big K-mart. When the manager asked me if I would be                                 interested in working in the sporting goods department.

Rose Mary looks to be interested in what Ethan is telling her.

ETHAN

You see Rose Mary he then retracted his offer and then

                                offered me another position in toys.

ROSE MARY

Did you take the job?

ETHAN

No They didn’t pay enough.  But the point to the story is.                                  Well, that it doesn’t make any sense.

ETHAN 

I don't understand the extreme religions.  

ETHAN

I get the idea of a God.  But, don't force people to

                                believe in only one set of beliefs.

ETHAN

Every human born should have the right to choose between

                                what if any God, that person wants to believe in.  

ROSE MARY 

Ethan’s watch beeps.  Ethan looks surprised at the sound his watch is making.  He gets up from the blanket and walks a few steps away.

ETHAN

(Into Watch)

This is Ethan.

It’s Julio on the other end of the watch.

JULIO

Boss we got a problem.

Ethan looks to be upset at the thought.  Looks at the watch and listens to what Julio is telling him.

JULIO

7 minutes ago Boxer man guys goons robbed

                                a convenience store.  

ETHAN

My nemis the diabolical evil boxer man guy.

JULIO

He got all the lotto tickets, money, and magazines. I think

                                he even got away with a few steak and cheese taquitos.

ETHAN

Anything else?

JULIO

Yes. A tape of Boxer man guy was released to

                                the press today.  

The VHS tape quality is that of a terrorist tape demands being made.  Bagman looks on as the message is played.  A tape plays that was released of boxer man guy’s demands. 

BOXER MAN GUY

I demand the head of Bagman!  Or else the city will

                                see terror and destruction like never ever ever ever ever                                    ever ever before. 

VHS quality hit and tape freezes and slows. Then it starts to get eaten by the VCR.  Tape comes bellowing out of VCR.

CUT TO

Ethan seems to look a bit startled as he talks into his watch. 

ETHAN

OK.  I’m on my way.

Ethan walks back to the blanket and sits down next to rose mary.  

ETHAN

I have to go.  I’m sorry to cut our date  short.

ROSE MARY

Ethan I want to tell you something.

Rose mary pauses and hesitates for a moment.  Then stops looks Ethan in the eyes.  Changes her mind.  

ROSE MARY

Do you need a ride?

Not wanting to reveal his identity to rose mary at that moment anymore Ethan gets upset.

ETHAN

No I can find my way fine!

ROSE MARY

What’s wrong with you?

ETHAN

Nothing!  I can find my own way!

ROSE MARY

Ethan, I’m just trying to help!

ETHAN

Well, I don’t need your help!

Ethan’s parents don’t approve of her dating a non-white woman.  

The date Parody lady and the tramp style hot shots part deux

The music builds to a heroic anthem.  Ethan eyes become intense.  

CUT TO

EXT – CITY BAGMOBILE 

TITLE CARD: THE DEATH OF JULIO

INT – BAGMOBILE 

A cockpit Ethan is inside similar to the bat mobile.  He speeds home. 

    

INT – BATHROOM – EVENING 

BAGMAN 

Oh & yes. There will be blood!!  

Camera pulls away to reveal Bagman standing in front of a bathroom mirror.  Bagman loses his dead stair and begins to breathe hard.  looks to be having a panic attack.  Shows signs he's about to throw up.  He turns green in the face and throws up in the toilet.

BAGMAN 

(V/O)

This was my first battle I'd been in. I can't say I'm

                                not a little nervous. 

Bagman wipes his mouth and gargles with scope.  The scope still in his mouth.  Bagman runs through the halls of the house.  He trips over a box and spits out the mouth wash.  Runs out of house.  

EXT – HOUSE – NIGHT 

TITLE CARD:

The death of hose man guy

 

Bagman on the ground wrapped up in a hose.  Struggling to get free.  Grabs a knife from his belt.  Cuts the hose loose.   

BAGMAN

(V/O)

When I got up I saw this box thing looking at me.  

Bagman looks up to see boxer man guy standing mighty, tall & unbeatable.   

Bagman quickly crawls back and stands up with his hands on his hips.  His cape rustles through the wind.  he has a look of confidence on his face.    

                                        BAGMAN

You look tall, mighty and down right unbeatable!

Boxer man guy looking tall, mighty and downright unbeatable.  music builds with a tense dark sounding score.  

After a deep stair at boxer man guy. Bagman opens a can of spinach like Popeye and eats it.

Pow! sha-zam! ka-pow! la-wow! ya-know!  Ref old batman cartoon style.  Reference Batman from the 1960’s.  

Bagman positions himself to tackle and take down BMG.  Bagman starts to run towards BMG.  only to have BMG punch him in the face giving him a black eye and bloody noise.  Bagman gets knocked on his butt into a puddle of water.  

Ambient sounds of a suburban neighborhood are heard.  birds chirping, dogs barking.  On the roof of the house Julio leaps like a cat across it. 

A rope drops in front of Bagman.  Only to discover it’s from Julio.

He grabs the rope and tries to climb up it.  

Bagman jumps up onto the roof with Julio.  music builds to tense.

JULIO

Hey I tried calling you the other day. Your phone line

                                was busy for like 8 hours!

BAGMAN

Sorry my internet connection is through

                                my phone line. I must of left the modem connected to

                                the internet last night.  

Julio begins to slip off the roof.  Bagman grabs Julio and then begins to lose grip on Julio and his hand begins to slip.  slowly we see the pig slip. Bagman hangs on the side of the roof with Julio‘s hand losing more grip. A closer view reveals bagman losing grip.  Looking down he sees the pig tumble to its death. Cut to Bagman hanging with a look of agene and lost.  Bagman is distraught and distressed. He screams out in a high pitch voice. 

BAGMAN

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”  

CUT TO

INT. - INSIDE HOUSE - DAY

Ruth is wearing a long shelved shirt with rolled up arms.  Her hair has curlers in it.

Ruth is sitting at the dinner table drinking coffee and reading time magazine.  Julio falls in front of the window.

BAGMAN

(V/O)  

I am unsure of how and why I lost my sidekick to my

                                nemis the evil Boxer man Guy. Julio didn’t deserve to

                                die the way he did.  

CUT TO

EXT. - OUTSIDE HOUSE - DAY

RUTH is on the porch sweeping when she notices droppings from the roof. Looks up at Ethan.

RUTH

Ethan you get down here right now!!

RUTH begins to yell at Ethan/Bagman from outside the house.  Ethan is climbing up the wall.   

BAGMAN

(Off Camera)

No mother I will not come down!

RUTH

(Visually upset)

Get down this minute!

BAGMAN

(Off Camera)

I'm saving Julio from boxer man guy

Whip camera move to boxer man guy on roof.  Lou sees a person wearing a box costume on the roof.  She begins to scream like the home alone kid.  putting her hands over her cheeks.  The camera pulls out from her mouth to the house. 

RUTH

AAAAHHHHHH(High Pitch scream)

Bagman falls off roof in front of Ruth on his back.  Note falls on his head.  

BOXER MAN GUY

(V/O)

The note reads: Bagman, Hope you are well today. Meet me

                                tomorrow in the portal world. Directions enclosed.

                                Sincerely yours the evil diabolical boxer man guy.  

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: A CALL TO INTERVENTION 

EXT. HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Birds chirp and cars pass. 

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Lights turn off and candles are lit.  Ethan's Parents brings out puppets to talk. 

Ethan looks awkward as he sits at the kitchen table eating wheaties cereal.  Ruth sits at the other side of the table staring at Ethan.  Moments of awkward silence, eating sounds and staring pass. 

Ruth puts on her hand puppet and looks at Ethan.  

RUTH

  (UPSET)

I thought we talked about you not wanting be

                                a super hero anymore.

Ethan continues to eat his cereal and say nothing.

RUTH

Ethan! I'm done arguing with you about your foolish

                                Superhero dreams.

The feeling at the table is extremely uncomfortable.

RUTH

(PUPPET)

Your Father and I have prayed about it. And we feel God

                                wants us to ground you.  

RUTH

(PUPPET)

Ethan do you know why we’re doing this?

BAGMAN 

(PUPPET)

HE’S REAL!!

Mom drinks some more red wine.  

RUTH

(PUPPET)

Who’s real honey?

ETHAN

(PUPPET)

Boxer man guy wants to take over the universe!!  

                                He’s out to kill us all!! 

Johnny looks concerned.  Ruth puppet starts annoyingly cry.  Ethan has a dead stair on his face.  

JOHNNY

(PUPPET)

Your thirty one now! 

Ruth puppet starts crying uncontrollable again.  

JOHNNY

(PUPPET) 

Your Mother and I need an honest answer from you

                                right now!! 

RUTH

(PUPPET)

Do you understand?

JOHNNY

(PUPPET)

Are you sneaking your mothers Ritalin from the

                                bathroom medicine cabinet again? 

Mom cries yet again.

FUZZ CUT 

TITLE CARD: COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

Clip of Spy Vs Spy.  Head in toilet pops up.  Clip from Beavis and butthead. 

BEAVIS

I am cornhlio! 

FUZZ CUT

ANNOUNCER

(V/O) 

HEY HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO MAKE YOUR OWN SUPERHERO COSTUME AND FAILED?  

Black and white clips of people trying to make there own customs.  Sewing arm off and unable to put it on.  Rips apart when trying it on.  Too small and tight around belly.  Jeans are too tight and rip in the butt when trying to do stretches.

ANNOUNCER 

(V/0)

WELL, FAIL NO MORE CAUSE WE HAVE WHAT YOU NEED!!

A male in high water pants and nerdy glasses gets tapped on the head.  He’s magically transforms into a muscular superhero.  Hot women surround him and get their pictures taken with him.

ANNOUNCER 

(V/0)

ARE YOU SICK OF BEING LAUGHED AT BY SUPER VILLAINS CAUSE                                    YOUR COSTUME JUST ISN’T UP TO PAR?

BMG laughing. 

ANNOUNCER 

(V/0)

SICK OF NOT HAVING THAT NEW COSTUME SMELL?  

Nerd smells armpits and coughs.

ANNOUNCER 

(V/0)

RIGHT NOW A SUPER BIG CORPORATION THAT ISN’T OWNED BY                                        DISNEY. BRINGS YOU THE COSTUME OF A LIFETIME!!

ANNOUNCER 

(V/0)

How much would you except to pay for this deal?  $200?                                    (number gets crossed out), $250? (number gets crossed out),                                 nope! Now only 6 easy payments of $37.99.          

ANNOUNCER

(V/O)

BUT WAIT THERES MORE!!

See in say.

ANNOUNCER 

(V/0)

ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE A FREE EXTRA MASK AT NO CHARGE!!                                     THAT’S RIGHT TWO MASKS, A CAPE, POLYESTER SUIT AND BOOTS!!

Ethan scratching neck. 

FUZZ CUT

TITLE CARD: DEBATE CNN STYLE

Old game play from Mike Tyson’s punch out.  With mike Tyson fighting boxer guy.  Cut to Tyson being punched out.  Shots of NHL genesis hockey.  Batman. Daredevil. 1940’s Serials.  

Old sports news reports of Don King and Mike Tyson.  

CNN logo fades in and the music plays.  Larry King interviews Bagman and Boxer man Guy about the final showdown. 

BMG

That’s not true and you know it! He’s lying to us all. 

BAGMAN

Larry I can bench press 150 lbs. 3 reps of 15, 13, and 10.

LARRY KING

What's this I hear about you failing your GED test

                                5 times in a row? 

Bagman annoyed. 

LARRY KING

Who will win in the final showdown?  

LARRY KING

And to give us his prediction is boxing great hype man.  

                                Don King.    

DON KING is revealed at the desk.

DON KING

Thank you Larry for that great introduction. Now we are                                     taking bets for the final showdown.

Odds of Bagman winning scroll along ticker on bottom of screen.  1:40 odd against Bagman to win in final showdown.

DON KING

Odds for Bagman are not good.

BAGMAN

 In my defense. Boxerman Guy only killed Julio and robbed

                                 a 7-11. It’s not like he’s taken over the universe or                                     something like that.

Boxer man guy sits in his chair.  Leaning over to listen to hose man guy whisper something in his ear.

BOXER MAN GUY

It’s just come to my attention people that

                                Bagman has lost the support of his wack job parents.  

Bagman looks shocked and surprised Boxerman guy knows that.  

BAGMAN

Who sold you that crack? 

BOXER MAN GUY

Some guy in the ally next to the dumpsters. 

Larry King and Don King both look shocked.

DON KING

I think we got ourselves a fight.

Boxer man Guy looks at Bagman.

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

BAGMAN

No You’re an idiot!

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

BAGMAN

No You’re an idiot!

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

BAGMAN

No You’re an idiot!

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

BAGMAN

No You’re an idiot!

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

BAGMAN

No You’re an idiot!

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

BAGMAN

No You’re an idiot!

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

BAGMAN

No You’re an idiot!

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

BAGMAN

No You’re an idiot!

BOXERMAN GUY

You’re an idiot!

CUT TO

INT. - FRONT DOOR - DAY

Ethan paces back and forth.  Looks at his watch to see what time it is.  The watch reads 11:11.  Ethan looks out the door peep hole to see the postman putting the mail in the box.  

EXT - HOUSE MAILBOX - DAY 

Ethan anxiously walks outside to check the mailbox.  Waits for a car to pass.  Starts to walk but car passes fast.  Ethan steps back, Takes a deep breath and continues to walk across the street to get the mail.  The mailbox opens to the theme of 2001 a space oddity.  A slow rusty gate opening as Ethan spots a key to the bigger mailbox.  He grabs it and opens the door to the bigger mailbox.  Beat.  Ethan finds out his superhero training tapes have arrived.  He pulls out the box and begins gleefully dancing around.  

CUT TO

EXT. GROUP THERAPY SIGN- EVENING

INT. - GED GROUP MEETING – EVENING 

GROUP LEADER

Just want to invite everyone to the GED test fellowship                                     table after the test is done.  It’s a chance for fellowship,                                 cookies and hot coco.

Ethan is a no show to his final GED test.  Misc shots of Ethan and Rose Mary’s first date and fight.  

Rose Mary looks to seat where Ethan always sits.  She checks her watch to see what time it is.  The leader hands out the tests.  

 

CUT TO

EXT. ETHANS HOUSE - DAY

Clips of early nineties music videos with working out.  Reference C & C Music factory. No mercy Marky Mark training montage song.  Music in the background: Come on let’s sweat.  Sweat. 

Ethan takes out the garbage to the curb.  Hears a noise and looks to the heavens.  

ETHAN

God is that you?

Ethan sits down on the curb and gets into a thinking position.  Coming to a realization. 

ETHAN

(V/O)

We as humans aren’t more then stardust. Are we?

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

Ethan sits still on a lawn chair.  A cassette of insane in the brain by cypress hill plays in the background.

ETHAN

(V/O)

Today I cracked!  No more job quest hunting! No more GED

                                tests!!  No more not fighting crime!! My body started  freaking out!!! It was time to fight back!! No one must                                     know!! I must avenge Julio’s death!!!

Ethan falling backwards over lawn chair.  Freaking out on ground.  

ETHAN
I made a decision I was gonna train.

ETHAN 

I was gonna be the biggest, (Pauses to think) 

                                Baddest superhero.  

CUT TO

INT. - KITCHEN TABLE – DAY

A training video for becoming a successful superhero sits on the kitchen table.  Along side a mask and superhero kit.  

INT. - LIVING ROOM – DAY

Ethan inserts the VHS tape into the VCR and turns the TV on.  Presses play.  FBI warning comes on.  Ethan fast forwards through.  Goes straight to the program.

Full Metal jacket sergeant Looking trainer.

TRAINER

The 3 step process you little mother BEEPIN Pieces

                                of BEEP! I outta come out of this TV and kick the

                                living BEEP out of you and put my BEEPIN foot up

                                your BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEP and then you'll become a mother                                    BEEPIN superhero. You maggots. You can put me in your

                                spank bank for later tonight. Cause I know the thought of me                                 teaching you is turning you on. We’ll keep this like the                                    military.  Don’t ask Don’t Tell.  

The trainer stands over a table and tells viewers about what’s in the kit.  

TRAINER

In this kit you'll find a Grappling Hook, Taser,

                                suction cups, Pulley, knife, Jump rope, a gym membership,

                                a star bucks coffee card.

Everything is labeled on the table.  MISC demonstrations of items on the table.  video black boxes and bars when it becomes violent. 

Music slowly builds as Training montage begins.

CUT TO 

Training Montage 

Ethan jux 3-cut edit taking shots of espresso.  Jump roping, treadmill, mannequins being thrown at him. 

ETHAN

(V/O)

Next was practicing holding my breath.

Holding breath under water with snorkel gear on in bathtub. 

Jumps on window with suction cups on.  Falls off and lands on back.  

Sneak walking through a row of cars in a parking lot.  A dog jumps up and starts barking.  Startling Bagman causing him to run.   

Drinks goldfish water and swallows fish.  

- falls, trips anything slapstick AMP up SFX. 

give Ethan bruises. MISC shots of items being taken off the table.  Weapons table scene - with static shots showing all the weapons.  

Has to be over the top funny. Almost unbelievable. 

Spraying on deodorant - pure sport or freshness.  Lights up a match and arm pits explodes into ashes.  

Bagman riding electric scooter.   

BAGMAN

Hi-Yo Silver away!

A billow of fog encompasses the lawn as Ethan assembles a PVC pipe.  Ethan swings the PVC pipe around hitting himself in the head.  He knocks himself out.  Get’s back up.    

ETHAN

(SERIOUS)

Hiiiiii-Yayyyyy!  HI YAHHHHHH!

CUT TO

Ethan cutting out mask and cape. Wrong sizes to tight and loose.  

We pull out more to reveal fabric and sewing machine with misc items layered out over the table.

Puts it on and ka-pooooww!  Fog smoke everywhere that covers screen.   

Failed attempts at flying - ref Rocketter.  Lands on head while wearing helmet.   

ETHAN(V/O)

One thing I needed this time was a mask. I couldn’t

                                be discovered. Or it meant going out on the streets.

 

Ethan sits at computer and pulls out a CD-Rom titled “How to make your own superhero costume.”     

CUT TO

 

EXT. BAGMANS LAIR - NIGHT

Cut to close ups of items on table.  box of black garbage bags 44 gal., A yellow miners helmet, Grappling hook gun, suction cups, and a few misc items.

Ethan adjusts and poses in different positions in mirror.  Looking in the mirror Ethan now Bagman.  CU of eyes.  Ethan suits up in costume from video. 

BAGMAN

(V/O)

I took a look in the mirror.  And discovered I was                                         unrecognizable and no one would ever recognize me.  

Trainer is shown on TV guiding Bagman through the steps.  Catch phrases.  

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: SIDEKICK INTERVIEWS AND TRYOUTS 

INT. LIVING ROOM - Day

Bagman and Barbara Walters sit across from each other.

BARBARA WALTERS

If Julio was here right now what would you say to him?

Takes a deep breath in and exhales slowly.  

BAGMAN

That I miss him and wish the best for him.

BARBARA WALTERS

Now you made a tribute video for Julio.   Did you want to say anything about it  but we show it.

BAGMAN

I’d like to send out a special dedication 

to all those who have passed before me.  

We really all are just dust in the wind.

Slow dissolve into video of Julio.  Chicago’s you’re the inspiration begins to play on a cassette deck.   

RADIO DJ

And now an electric dedication going out to

                                Julio from Bagman. You’re my inspiration.. 

TITLE CARD: Bagman’s Tribute to Julio The worlds Greatest Sidekick Vol. 1 

Slow motion cross dissolves.  Split screen. Ethan visiting grave site and leaving flowers.  Releases helium balloons into the sky.

Julio gets wings and fly’s around screen with wires.

Cheesy in corner keys of Julio flying as bagman sings. Clouds, stars, and rainbows.

Hand switches analog dial to another radio station.

CUT TO

EXT. - HOUSE ROOF - DAY

Michael Jackson's Will you be there plays on the radio.

Hummingbird man medium build is on the roof.    

HUMMINGBIRD MAN 

I can fly at speeds up to 34 miles per hour.  

BAGMAN

Show me what you’ve got Humming bird man!  

Hummingbird man take a deep breath in.  dead stair as he jumps off the roof.  Tries to flap his wings and fails.  

HUMMINGBIRD MAN

BUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ. (THUMP!)

Falls in front of Bagman with a thump.  Music beat kicks in.

Music Plays: Hold me like the river Jordan.    

CUT TO

INT. BAGMANS LAIR - Day

Bagman interviews Duck man. A stuffed duck with a red cape.  

BAGMAN

Tell me why you see fit to be Bagman’s sidekick?

DUCKMAN

Cause I’m the only one with superpowers you know.

 

BAGMAN

(Stairs)

Good point.

CUT TO

EXT - HOUSE ROOF - DAY

Duckman and Bagman are on the roof over looking the city.  A look of pride is on there faces.  The wind blows through their capes.  Bagman looks to the sky to see the bag symbol.  

BAGMAN 

Alright Duckman now is your time to prove yourself to me.  

Duckman stands confidently as he listens to what bagman has to tell him.  They both take off running atop the roof.  Bagman shots his grappling gun and swings from a tree.  Duckman slows down and stops.  Looks down to see what’s below.  A wood chipper is running and chipping up tree branches.  Fear of heights comes over Duckman's face.  A very sudden vertigo comes over duckman as he looks to be dizzy.  He regains composer, shakes it off and backs up.  He does a few streches and then winds up.  Starts running towards the edge and stops again.  

DUCKMAN

(V/O)

I can’t do it!  God damnit!

         

Bagman looks over his shoulder to see Duckman is still on the roof. 

BAGMAN

Come on Duckman!!  You can do it!!

                                I’ll catch you!!  I got you!!

Duckman takes a deep deep breath, and exhales slowly. and begins to run. At the edge of the roof bagman cheers him on.

BAGMAN 

You can do it Duckman!  

With a look of extreme confidence. Duckman, jumps.  At the height of the jump he starts to fall. 

DUCKMAN

AHHHHHHH!!!!

EXT. – SIDE OF HOUSE - DAY

The wood chipper runs. Duckman falls into the wood chipper.  All the fabrics and stuffing fly everywhere.  Then we see a bloody splatter come out of the wood chipper. CU of Bagman’s eyes.  A net falls over bagman.

CUT TO

EXT. DREAM SEQUENCE - NIGHT 

Hanging upside down from a rope, Bagman has green duct tape over his mouth.  

Boxer man guy makes Bagman and Julio listen to horrible early nineties Christian rap. Bagman struggles to get loose and break free.  

BOXERMAN GUY

I shall kill your little piggy now!

BMG shoots a box at Julio.  The box puts Julio inside and tapes up.  The box blows up in a foggy cloud of smoke.  

BAGMAN

(Muffled Screaming)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  

Wrapped up in rope and placed on the train tracks for dead.  The train quickly approaches as Bagman struggles to get free.  The frame freezes.    

ANNOUNCER

(V/O)

Tune in next week to find out what happens to Bagman.

TITLE:

Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of The Adventures of Bagman and Julio.  

CUT TO 

EXT. DREAM SEQUENCE CONTINUED 

Ethan wakes up covered in sweat. Removes eye cover and wipes sweat off his forehead.

CUT TO

EXT. - DECK OF HOUSE – NIGHT 

TITLE CARD: GETTING READY FOR THE FIGHT - MONTAGE

Clips of Conan the barbarian cartoon. X-men and anything that shows tough cartoon super heroes.  

Ethan is playing with his superhero toys.  Nirvana’s Lithium plays in the background.  I’m so happy cause today I found my friends in my head.  Clips starts at 2:43 in song.     

CU of toys talking to each other.

BATMAN TOY

I’m gonna kick your ass boobie man guy.

BMG TOY 

  (High Voice)

You’ll never defeat me!!  HAHAHAHA!!

BATMAN TOY

(V/O)

I’m gonna take you down like America did desert storm.

BMG toy and Batman toy continue to argue.  BMG wins.  Ethan throws toys on ground.  Ethan is about to quit and let boxer man guy win.  Depressed and lonely Ethan talks to Batman action figure.  

ETHAN

How do I deal with being thrown out of the house?

BATMAN TOY

(V/O)

Sometimes you have to do what you feel is

                                right no matter what the consequences are.  

ETHAN

So your saying that if you have to fight

                                for what you believe in do it? 

BATMAN TOY

Not saying that at all.  I’m saying that if your

                                already gonna get kicked out on the streets.

                                Why not have some fun before hand.

Guitar rock-n-roll build up.

CUT TO

EXT. – HOUSE - DAY

TITLE CARD: THE PORTAL

Bagman chases a white cat to a shed door.  Looks around to see where the cat went.  

BAGMAN

(V/O)

When in doubt. Use the secret pass code: BeattleJuice BeattleJuice BeattleJuice   

BeattleJuice appears from a movie clip with Michael Keaton. Pops out of grave.  Bagman looks at Beatle juice and shakes his head in disbelief.

Bagman jumps down the rabbit hole.    

BAGMAN

(V/O)

My body started falling and falling, then I hit the ground!!  Whap! SLAP!  BAM! 

Cen-tar human dog runs across screen and slams into a tree.  

BAGMAN

what’s your name their little guy?

The Centar doesn’t speak a word.  Looks at Bagman frightened. Begins to shake.

BAGMAN

There there little guy. It’s okay.

Bagman holds the centar in his arms and rocks him like a little baby.  Looks into the little centars eyes and then at his coller.  The coller reveals that if Bagman presses it he will be given special powers.    

BAGMAN

Hush little baby don’t say a word.   Bagman’s gonna buy you mocking bird. And if

                                that mockingbird don’t sing. Bagman’s gonna

                                buy you a diamond ring.

CUT TO

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT 

TITLE CARD: FINAL SHOWDOWN

 

Band plays in the background get ready for this by 2 unlimited.  Pounding percussion are drummed.  Cheer leaders jump around and wave there palm palms.  Signs reading John 3:16 in the audience.  People buying tickets to fight.  Announcers are talking pre-fight scenarios and strategies. 2 legit to quit starts playing with work out scenes from the music video.  Sweaty shots.  

RING ANNOUNCER

Ladies and gentlemen lets get ready to rummmmmmmbbbbblllllleeee.

BOXERMAN GUY

Hello Bagman, I’ve been expecting you.  

BOXER MAN GUY

You know, Bagman I’ve always wanted to

                                spoil your day. But not today. Cause today                                                 is different. Look who decided to join the party..

Dangling from a rope Julio is hanging above lava. He looks to be beat up real bad with a black eye. As though he’s been tortured recently. Visual upset Bagman looks to be in shock that Julio is alive. The crowd gasp for air as though everyone there has just seen a ghost.    

Ethan’s parents are revealed as tied up hostages. Ducked taped to a couple of chairs.  Parents struggle to get loose but can’t.

Clouds cover sky and the weather turns stormy. Lightning strikes a tree lighting it on fire. Bagman turns around to look at the fallen tree.  

Bagman in a confident pose with his hands on his hips.The wind rustling threw his cape.  Lightning crashes down behind where bagman is standing. It begins to down pour rain. Bagman stairs at Boxer Man Guy as the rain drops from his helmet. Boxer man guy stairs back as the rains drops fall off his head. Slow rain drops hit  his chest and bounce off.  

ANNOUNCER

Prepare to start the match.

A sign reading BMG vs. BAGMAN is clicking down with time.  4,3,2, and 1 Beep.  The ringmaster comes out to the center of the ring.    

RINGMASTER

OK Gentlemen I want a good clean fight. No shots

                                to the testicles.  And for god sakes no Mom jokes

                                ever again.  OK?  

A brief moment of pause as the crowd looks at each other.  The crowd stops to think and then starts cheering again.

BOXERMAN GUY

I will break you like I broke Julio.  

Bagman and Boxer Man Guy break apart with a fist bump.  

The crowd begins in a uproar.  The crowd continues to chant and cheer.  

Bagman takes the first swipe to the left arm and hits BMG.  He takes another swing and hits him again. BMG is holding his composer and looks to be deflecting punches more then getting hurt.    

  

Flying monkeys and gargoyle mix.  

Slow motion shots of fighting.  Lots of gahhhhh!! And WAHHH!!!  Extreme long stair downs. Head butts knocking one of the other out for a few moments.  Gaining composer again and shaking it off.  Include PVC pike from training sequence.   

Fight has to last for a while.  Extended fight scene with kick ass music and adrenaline filled fighting.  Bloody suits and scraps on face are made.  punches teeth out and blood comes flowing out of mouth.  Pops eye out and birds come to fest on the eye.  

Cuts insides of box open to pull out wires and guts.  Wraps them around bagman and tries to strangle him to death.  Punches bagman in the face and an x-ray shown of bones being broken.  Getting thrown over shoulder and flying for a really long time.  Extended toss of bagman getting thrown into a wall of bricks.  Extreme close ups of characters faces when fights about to begin.  Keeps fighting to old star trek fights only add lots of blood.  Bear hugs wrestling each other to ground.  Slapping each other when on the ground.  A sequence with slap! Whamp!  Swinging in from a rope.  

Whip zoom into bagman’s face and then boxer man guy.  Then back to bagman and back to boxer man guy.    

BMG grows 20 ft tall like the power rangers.  

-FLASHBACK-

TRAINNER

Remember you piece of dog BEEP. It’s in

                                the heart where you’ll find the BEEPING

                                plug. Pull and you’ll defeat the evil

                                diabolical Boxer man guy.

Punches the gut of BMG and pulls out a still beating bloody heart.  Ref dumb and dumber restruant fight scene.  Bloody hands with heart still pumping.  Mortal combat tribute.            

BMG falls to the ground and the crowd goes wild.  Laughing, whistling, crying and cheering from old black and white films.  

Julio Gets wings and can fly.

 

BAGMAN

Who are you?

ROSE MARY

I’m not from planet earth Bagman.  I’ve

                                been trying to track down the bag for God.

BAGMAN

Wait a minute!  You work for God? And you’re

                                looking for the bag that I’m wearing for God?

ROSE MARY

When the bag found you it knew you had

                                the right heart. You only wanted super powers

                                for the good of human kind.

The sky open up and God reveals himself through sunbeams in the clouds.

TWIST - The NARRATOR turns out to be God. 

GOD

Hello Bagman

BAGMAN

Hello God.

GOD

Have you found out who you are with the bag?

BAGMAN

Yes. I feel like maybe you don’t need a

                                bag to get super powers. But instead just go

                                with what you know. Maybe that way we’ll all

                                find our true inner selves. 

Bagman takes the bag off and hands it over to Rose Mary.  Bagman takes off his mask and helmet. 

GOD

Stay with us.  Stay and live in the portal world with us.                                  We can teach you many things about being a great superhero. 

ETHAN 

It’s to much responsibility.  All my life I

                                thought being a superhero with special powers

                                was what I wanted to make me fulfilled.  But now

                                that I’ve got them I don’t won’t them.  Being Normal

                                is ok if you have friends and family that care and love you.

GOD

You won’t reconsider?

ETHAN

No, my decision is final God.  I must take Julio

                                back to earth and be with my family.  Maybe we’ll

                                see each other again.. 

GOD

So long Ethan.

ETHAN

Hey God can I ask you one last question?

GOD
Yes Go ahead Ethan.

ETHAN

Where my parents right about you

                                not approving of superpowers?

GOD

Yes and no.  But you are right about Jesus 

being the first superhero with superpowers.  

Water into wine.  He'd be nothing with me.

  

ETHAN

Have you ever read the entire bible cover to cover?

GOD

No…I can never get through the old testament.  

                                I get to the book of numbers and my mind shuts off.  

GOD

Especially the King James version with all the

                                thous and thes. Boring.

GOD

I bought the audio cassette of the bible

                                with James earl Jones narrating.  You

                                should get a copy of it.  It's quite good.

ETHAN

Is James Earl Jones the guy who did

                                darth vadors voice in the star wars movies?    

GOD

That’s the one.

 

God slowly disappears through the clouds.  

Ethan Kisses Rose Mary on the cheek and Grabs Julio.

ETHAN

The magic password is: Beattlejuice Beattlejuice Beattlejuice. 

The portal begins to form.  Ethan and Julio look at the portal.  Ethan jumps into the portal.  The portal closes causing Ethan and Julio to miss the window and fall to the ground.  They both look embarrassed.

A sign reads: Portal world stops working between 5:58-6:00pm for maintenance. 

Ethan looks at his watch and it reads 5:58 and 20 seconds.  

ETHAN

Well, Hell.  I got time for one last kiss.

Ethan takes Rose Mary into his arms and begins making out with her in a sexual way.  Watch starts beeping.  Bagman and Rose Mary don’t seem to care and continue making out. A few more moments of public affection displays continue.  Bagman stops abruptly.  

ETHAN

Julio we got to go!

Rose Mary grabs Ethan by the left arm.  They both stop and stair at each other intensely.  With a twinkle in her eye she pauses and takes a breath and exhales.        

ROSE MARY

I’m coming with you.  

All the surrounding animals, Julio, and Ethan stop to gasp for air and look at Rose Mary shocked.  Ethan says nothing but looks at rose mary.  

ETHAN

Are you sure?

Rose Mary has a look of love on her face.  She is extremely confident.  She takes one more look at Ethan and smiles.

ROSE MARY

Yes.  I’ve never been so sure about

                                something all of my life.

ETHAN

The password is Beatle juice beatle juice beatle juice.

The portal comes to life.  Drawing with it a large force of wind, lighting strikes, and rain.  But this time Bagman, Julio and Rose Mary jump into the portal.  The portal closes up and the animals go back to normal behavior.  Off screen voice.  Alright everybody knitting party at my house in 15 minutes.  Everyone cheering yayyyyyyy!!!  

      CUT TO

EXT - PORTAL

Ethan, Julio, and Rose Mary are screaming as they accend down the portal at a rapid rate.      

ETHAN

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Julio has a quantum leap calculator.   

JULIO

By my calculations we should be there in 3, 2, and 1.

CUT TO

EXT - STREET BY ETHANS HOUSE - DAY

Ethan, Rose Mary and Julio fall to a grassy lawn landing on their stomachs.  Their all passed out for a bit.  Ethan slowly wakes up with grass stains on his suit.  A few cuts on his face and arms.  He looks around to see where everybody else is.  

ETHAN

Everybody ok?

Ethan continues to walk down the street looking for Julio and Rose Mary.  

ETHAN

Julio! Rose Mary!

JULIO

(OFF CAMERA)

Take me back in time.  Oh take me back in time. Yeah.

Ethan hears Julio and comes running to where his voice is.  

Ethan spots Julio from a distance and runs over to him.

ETHAN

Julio are you alright?

JULIO

Yes.  But I think Rose Mary needs some    assistance.

Rose Mary appears from out of nowhere.  She has some scraps and bumps on her body and face.

ROSE MARY

You should make a film called The Adventures

                                of Bagman and Julio.  

Ethan and Julio both look at each other. Old 75w light bulbs appear over there heads.

     

CUT TO

TITLE CARD: A happy ending? 

Ethan’s face close up.

ETHAN 

(V/O)

Big K-mart called me in for a second interview.

Flashback Ethan talking on a rotary phone in a pleasant manner.  

ETHAN 

(V/O)

Realizing my problem of a recovering crime

                                fighting addict I’m now attending a weekly

                                therapy group. Its good for me I think.   

Ethan talking at podium to a group.  

ETHAN

(V/O)

I guess they say 6th times a charm or  something like that.

Ethan hanging up a framed GED certificate.

CU of Ethan’s eyes as the camera pulls out slowly. Ethan sits in a chair. With a straight jacket on. Similar to psycho just not creepy.  

A TV plays in the background.  

TV

If you or a loved one has been having

                                hallucinations. Seeing, hearing, or

                                feeling things that are not really there.  Or

                                you feel like a day is a year.  Then call now!!  

                                We can have you committed by dinner time.  

TV

Don’t let Delusional disorder ruin your dreams

                                of living in a fantasy world.

Camera pulls out of room and out to the exterior of the mental hospital.

 

CUT TO

INT - KITCHEN TABLE - NIGHT

Music begins to play.  My mind is playing tricks on me by the Geto boys.

Bagman, Duck man, Julio, Rose Mary, Ruth, Johnny, Erikk, are all at the dinner table.  They all begin to laugh for a minute.  They stop then laugh again.  Stop then their laugh becomes louder.  A mighty laugh.  Ref Austin powers and Robin hood.  All of the faces come together into one.  The music stops.  Laughing continues.    

Centar dog runs in front of everyone slamming into wall.

TITLE CARD: And they lived happily ever after.  The End.

TITLE CARD: THE ADVENTURES OF BAGMAN AND JULIO

FADE OUT

FADE IN

TITLE CARD:

EP-I-Logue

CUT TO

EXT. CARDBOARD COMPACTOR - NIGHT

Evil Villain Music begins.   

It’s night in a shadowy lit warehouse and we see a cardboard compactor operator bundling up boxes.  The operator takes a bundle out with him out to the recycling.  A closer look at the compacter.  Then we see a hand Bust through some boxes.  Ref TMNT II Shredder.  The music builds to a dark intense stop.  Reference The Dark Knight ending score.  

CUT TO

CREDITS

TITLE:

Cast of Characters 

Refer to LONE RANGER open.  Circular lighting of characters similar to the theatre.  

WE SEE Bagman twirl guns and shoot with simile on face.

TITLE:

STARRING IAN CRANSTON as Ethan / Bagman

TITLE:

Jesus as JULIO 

TITLE:

ROSA MARIA as ROSE MARY

TITLE:

Juan as Johnny 

TITLE: 

Lou as Ruth 

TITLE:

ICIZZLE as Cleaning Cat 

TITLE:

God as NARRATOR 

End of credits